{"id":22032,"date":"2019-11-27T07:00:08","date_gmt":"2019-11-27T12:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/feminem.org\/?p=22032"},"modified":"2019-11-19T19:59:05","modified_gmt":"2019-11-20T00:59:05","slug":"living-apart-together","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/feminem.org\/2019\/11\/27\/living-apart-together\/","title":{"rendered":"Living Apart Together"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

You can\u2019t always get what you want, at least in the same city of as your partner. In the past two years, my friend and colleague and I, faced the proposition of our dream jobs. Both Nikki and I are Active Duty Navy Emergency Physicians. Part of being in the Navy includes moving every 2-3 years. For both of us, this seemed exciting at age 22 . . .  fast forward to now, and a lot has changed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We faced the following\ndecisions: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Take a less than\nrewarding\/challenging position that would surely stymie our Navy and EM careers\nbut stay geographically closer to our spouse<\/li>
  2. Ask our\nsuccessful and happy husbands to uproot their jobs and follow us . . . with the\nadded layer that our positions, like most in the Navy would only be for 2-3\nyears, and then we had no idea what was in store for our careers or geographic\nlocations<\/li>
  3. Enter the world\nof married and living apart or live apart (LAT) couples<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    We did not\nrealize that we are in good company; 3.9 million married Americans aged 18 and\nover live apart from their spouses.1,2<\/sup> The reasons are different for\nevery couple, but within healthcare, many of us choose to be LAT, at least\ntemporarily, for professional reasons, i.e. training, sabbatical, or a new\nposition that is too good to turn down. For many people, LAT is temporary,\nperhaps only for a few months or a year, for others it become semi or even\npermanent. LAT is also a way to trial a new position and determine if it will\nbe a good fit before your partner leaves his\/her job or you\u2019re faced with\nmoving children or other family to the new location.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Nikki and I have very\ndifferent experiences. My husband and I do not have children. Nikki, shortly\nafter moving to Bethesda, gave birth to her first son. This spring, she gave\nbirth to her daughter. Bi-coastal marriage and parenting present unique\nchallenges; stay tuned for a future article on this topic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    After a year of\nthis arrangement, I have learned a lot about myself and my marriage. After\nyears of working on projects and answering email at night, while my husband and\nI were \u201cspending time,\u201d I\u2019ve finally learned to separate work from home. When\nwe\u2019re apart, I work really hard. When we\u2019re together, I don\u2019t work, and\nsometimes I even unplug. With less time to share, we\u2019ve rekindled a dating vibe\nand gratitude for the time we do have together. Technology is a key ingredient\nto our success. I look forward to our near daily video chat. Texting is a great\ntool as well, although we have always been fairly independent and do not need\nor want incessant texts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    It’s been a\ngrowing experience. During residency, I became dependent on my husband\u2019s phenomenal\ncooking abilities and essentially stopped cooking for myself. Over the last\nyear, I\u2019ve returned to occasionally cooking and found joy and relaxation in\nmaking my own food. I\u2019ve also had to learn to be more independent and protect\nmyself. I had a scare in my parking garage earlier this year, and it reminded\nme of how I need to be more accountable for my personal security. I was often\nvery quick to turn to Chris to solve problems, from technology glitches to furniture\nassembly. Now I give it a try and sometimes I have a new satisfaction with completion\nof tasks outside my comfort zone. I\u2019ve learned we\u2019re definitely better\ntogether, but I can hold my own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For those readers\nconsidering if you and your relationship could handle the separation, I can\u2019t\ntell you. In the end, you and your partner know yourselves and your\nrelationship best. Occasionally, I receive pointed questions and curious looks\nabout our LAT status. For me, some of the decision included letting go of\nsocietal expectations that the woman forgo her career ambitions. I know I chose\nthe right partner, as Chris supports me. I also had to let go of trying to\nexplain or justify our decisions to others; in the end this was about us and\nwhat works for us at this time in our lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For me, it\u2019s been worth it. My current position has lived up to its dream job label. I spend 50% percent of my time teaching, primarily via simulation, my educational focus, and 50% clinical. I have the privilege of training healthcare professionals before they deploy to combat zones. My clinical time is spent at LA County; one of the business emergency departments in the country. My colleagues are amazing, and I feel my career is on a completely different trajectory; thanks to this experience. Most days I really do feel like I have it all, just in two cities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not reflect the official policy or position of the Department of the US Navy, Department of Defense, or the US government.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    References<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    1. The rise of long-distance marriage. The\nEconomist. Dec. 19, 2017. https:\/\/www.economist.com\/united-states\/2017\/12\/19\/the-rise-of-long-distance-marriage<\/a><\/li>
    2. The Long-Distance Marriage That\u2019s Built to Last. The Wall Street Journal.\nAugust 14, 2018. https:\/\/www.wsj.com\/articles\/the-long-distance-marriage-thats-built-to-last-1534252845<\/a><\/li><\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      You can\u2019t always get what you want, at least in the same city of as your partner. In the past two years, my friend and colleague and I, faced the proposition of our dream jobs. 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