{"id":4320,"date":"2017-03-14T07:00:18","date_gmt":"2017-03-14T12:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/feminem.org\/?p=4320"},"modified":"2017-02-13T12:32:54","modified_gmt":"2017-02-13T17:32:54","slug":"sorry-not-sorry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/feminem.org\/2017\/03\/14\/sorry-not-sorry\/","title":{"rendered":"Sorry, Not Sorry"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201c<\/span><b><i>Sorry, <\/i><\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">excuse me, can I get through please?\u201d I wiggled my way to the head of the bed. Quickly, I set up the necessary intubation tools as the patient arrives shortly thereafter. Frenzy ensues, tubes flying over the patient, people talking over each other. \u201c Can you draw me up some RSI meds? Let\u2019s get this guy intubated now. <\/span><b><i>Sorry<\/i><\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, but I need it quiet in here.\u201d Tube placed, a wave of calm flooded the room, and the pace slowed. As I was putting away the laryngoscope, I asked the nurse ,\u201dWas I too bossy?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sorry is a crutch- a filler word. A way to politely ask for something without offending, to appear nicer while making a demand. Apologizing for every action lessens the possibility of being perceived as rude or obtrusive, preventing any overstepping of the confined lines of the stereotyped feminine woman. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Differences in speech between men and women was the core of the sociolinguistics study done by Robin Lakoff. Lakoff is a linguist from the University of California, Berkeley who wrote <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Language and Woman\u2019s Place.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> In her book, she noted some of the following as common female speech patterns: <\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>Hedges:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Phrases like &#8220;sort of&#8221;, &#8220;kind of&#8221;, &#8220;it seems like&#8221;<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>Super-polite forms:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> &#8220;Would you mind&#8230;&#8221; &#8220;&#8230;if it&#8217;s not too much to ask&#8221; &#8220;Is it o.k if&#8230;?&#8221;<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><b>Apologize more:<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, but I think that&#8230;&#8221;<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Speak less frequently<\/strong><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Tag questions:\u00a0<\/strong>&#8220;You don&#8217;t mind eating this, do you?&#8221;<\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Indirect requests:\u00a0<\/strong>&#8220;Wow, I&#8217;m so thirsty.&#8221;\u00a0\u2013 really asking for a drink<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It was because of these subtle phrasings that she found, \u201c strong expressions of feelings are avoided and expression of uncertainty is favored&#8230;leading to the marginality and powerlessness of women.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">From a young age, women are trained to be nurturing and agreeable. Any deviation can be off putting so they are conditioned to apologize before speaking, thus appearing less aggressive. \u00a0For any woman in a position of power, there is a constant struggle to delicately give orders without offending anyone. This is especially so for women in medicine who constantly face the dilemma of balancing femininity and assertiveness. One tip of the scale in either direction causes them to lose credibility. Soft spoken becomes unsure and incompetent, assertiveness is seen as \u201cbitchy\u201d and hard to work with. It is because of this fear that there is a blatant overuse of comfort words such as \u201csorry.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The majority of times, we really aren\u2019t sorry to be asking a question, we\u2019re simply trying to be polite. We are making a direct statement without being flagged as \u201cbossy.\u201d It is a another way of downplaying our power, softening our approach in an attempt to seem nice. Though females physicians have made great strides in attaining equality, medicine still has an unspoken element of the \u201cGood Old Boys\u2019 Club.\u201d Many times there are lingering double standards for behaviors commonly accepted by our male counterparts. It is because of these fears of not following our gender roles that we don\u2019t speak up for ourselves; but silence is dangerous- it lends approval and reinforces negative stereotypes that feed the vicious cycle of inequality. Apologizing unnecessarily places women in a subservient position, thus causing loss of respect. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Evidence has shown that women are less self-assured than men- and that to succeed, confidence matters just as much as competence. With the increase in female presence in the workforce and graduate and professional schools, it has never been more obvious that the competence is there. The limiting factor now is the confidence. With the barrage of daily \u201csorrys\u201d that seemingly question our abilities, we are just taking steps backwards. As success correlates closely with confidence just as much as competence, it is no wonder women are still underrepresented at the highest levels. Being overly apologetic is robbing us of self-esteem, dignity, and respect. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Fear not though, as new evidence emerges frequently on how much our brains can change in response to shifting thought patterns and behaviors. It has been shown that confidence can be self-perpetuating, so it is crucial to surround ourselves with strong minded females that support and encourage us &#8211; those that remind us that being \u201csorry\u201d should be reserved for wrongdoings as opposed to taking up time that should be allocated to stating and expressing what we want. It is essential to continue bolstering this confidence so that we achieve everything that we are deserving of, and show the future generation of women that they too are worthy. \u00a0\u00a0So following in the footsteps of Julia Child who once famously said, \u201cnever apologize,\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<p><b><i> SORRY, BUT NOT SORRY. <\/i><\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">References: <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lakoff, Robin. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/web.stanford.edu\/class\/linguist156\/Lakoff_1973.pdf\">Language and Woman\u2019s Place<\/a>.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> April 1973. Pg 45-46. Department of Linguistics, University of California, Berkeley <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cSorry, excuse me, can I get through please?\u201d I wiggled my way to the head of the bed. Quickly, I set up the necessary intubation tools as the patient arrives shortly thereafter. Frenzy ensues, tubes flying over the patient, people&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":79,"featured_media":4323,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"Find yourself saying sorry a lot? Dr. Hsaio explores how we speak. @EinsteinEMed","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[2,5],"tags":[52,81],"coauthors":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v22.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Sorry, Not Sorry - FemInEM<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/feminem.org\/2017\/03\/14\/sorry-not-sorry\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Sorry, Not Sorry - FemInEM\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cSorry, excuse me, can I get through please?\u201d I wiggled my way to the head of the bed. 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