Dear Jon,<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t worry, this isn\u2019t that kind of Dear John letter.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been married seven years.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had our ups and downs but overall it\u2019s been good.\u00a0 We have three beautiful children.\u00a0 I look forward to many good years ahead of us.<\/p>\n
You are a good man, father, lover, and friend.\u00a0 But I need more of a partner.\u00a0 I often hear that it is important to ask for what we need, whether it is the dishes to be done or to put the boys to bed so I can have a little time to myself.\u00a0 We agreed early on that mind-reading was not required nor expected.\u00a0 So I do my best to ask and not to expect or assume.\u00a0 We both know that I\u2019m the planner, the \u201cnerd\u201d of our relationship.\u00a0 My to-do lists have to-do lists.\u00a0 I try to clearly verbalize things I need or expect you to do.\u00a0 I try to be reasonable in my lists and expectations.\u00a0 And I try to let it go when things are not done exactly as I would have done or liked.<\/p>\n
But I\u2019m tired.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of being the master planner.\u00a0 I\u2019m tired of being the one who worries whether the boys eat enough vegetables, makes the meal plan and shopping list, makes sure the house is clean, makes the childcare schedule, and thinks about the years ahead. \u00a0I\u2019m tired of feeling like I\u2019m constantly choosing between the household responsibilities, my career, and just spending time with our children.<\/p>\n
I know that one answer is that I need to learn to let go.\u00a0 Our children are fed, happy, and growing.\u00a0 Our home isn\u2019t falling apart or a health hazard.\u00a0 Does it really matter if the dishes weren\u2019t done last night or there isn\u2019t a green vegetable with dinner?<\/p>\n
But I still wish you were more of a partner and could share more in the mental duties of managing our family life.\u00a0 I wish I were able to devote less of my mental and physical time to making the schedules, the lists, and running the house.\u00a0 I need you to take initiative.\u00a0 I need you to look at the kitchen and think, \u201cthe dishes need to be done.\u201d\u00a0 I need you to consider the potential impact on our family life before you take a new job or undergo a schedule change at work.\u00a0 And I need you to be an active contributor in the planning, and not just going along with my plan.<\/p>\n
Why does there seem to be the unspoken assumption that I am the authority on all matters household-and-children-related?\u00a0 We both decided to get married and start a family with the knowledge that I would be working in a demanding field with long hours.\u00a0 We\u2019re both adults, both working full time, equal participants in creating three children.<\/p>\n
So why do I seem to carry a higher burden of the household and family matters?\u00a0 Is it simply a personality difference, a burden I put on myself?\u00a0 You don\u2019t seem to look at piles of laundry or dishes with the same level of concern or stress as I do.\u00a0 So maybe I just need to learn to relax and ignore the pile of dishes in the sink.<\/p>\n
Is it a difference in how we were raised?\u00a0 I certainly wasn\u2019t raised with the expectation of running a household.\u00a0 I was raised with the expectation that I would go to college and have a career.\u00a0 I was already in medical school when we were married; you were well aware of my career goals.\u00a0 To your credit, you have never once stated any expectation of my keeping up with the \u201cwomen\u2019s work\u201d of the house.\u00a0 You never ask when I\u2019m going to do laundry.\u00a0 You cook dinner as often as I do.<\/p>\n
It appears that we\u2019re fairly average as a dual working-parent family.\u00a0 According to the Bureau of Labor 2016 statistics, both spouses work in 61% of married couples with children.\u00a0 My frustrations do not seem to be unique. \u00a0According to a 2015 Women in the Workplace survey conducted by Lean In, 41% of women report doing more of the childcare while 30% report doing more of the housework.\u00a0 And it is not just the physical labor.\u00a0 In her 2016 Mother\u2019s Day blog post, Ellen Seidman detailed the mental labor that keeps the household running and is often not consciously noticed by the other members of the home.\u00a0 While surveys do show that men are taking on more of the household labor, they aren\u2019t necessarily taking on more of the mental<\/em> labor.\u00a0 The task of thinking and delegation still falls on the woman.<\/p>\n I appreciate that you are always willing to do what I ask; but I wish that I didn\u2019t always need to do so.<\/p>\n Love,<\/p>\n Your wife<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Jon, Don\u2019t worry, this isn\u2019t that kind of Dear John letter.\u00a0 We\u2019ve been married seven years.\u00a0 We\u2019ve had our ups and downs but overall it\u2019s been good.\u00a0 We have three beautiful children.\u00a0 I look forward to many good years…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":227,"featured_media":4326,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"@travelin_sebby on the kind of partner she needs. @AWAEM @AAWEPSection","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[4],"tags":[43,396],"coauthors":[395],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n